You stole across my soul like midnight clouds on moonless night… I simply couldn’t see where it all would lead.
Overtaking my heart like a storm at sea inexorable, unpredicted, untamed… Your every mood every action every word a miracle, endlessly fascinating, a riotous joy.
Pieces of me I’ve given before, and never missed a one. Until you took yours home with you,
and left us behind. I never saw in you a cruel intent aimed at my heart. Oh no, we were never that to each other! Although those without conscience would covet you as a weapon most lethal to those best beloved.
Pressing my soul to paper, an earnest parting kiss, I remember it all from pinnacle of joy to chasm of despair… and try to love the World more
because you were in it once upon a time…
Try to forgive them all, even myself, for pain inflicted, for not being more, being better, being whatever you needed most, for not answering your bright potential with our own.
Like a hero returning home, you were the best example of how we all should live. although most of this life was only a latent dream, a shell too small
to house such a soul.
I see now that I’ve loved many just for who they could be if they chose. Unlike you, many choose not to fulfill the Divinity within.
My heart-wound may never heal, but I’ll keep trying to seal it over with only that which is worthy; Love Kindness Mercy Beauty Honor Patience Truth… the memory of all you have taught me, and teach me still.
I hope I’ve learned at last to recognize the potential but love only the living truth of each soul as they come my way. Given a second chance, I would certainly give again, but I would have given you more; a long life time of love. Were it not for that single blow, I might have already followed you across the Great Divide. Yes, perhaps best that I can no longer return love directly.
Instead, each time my love for you overwhelms, I hand it out; in gratitude for every moment of Beauty, a gift to every lost and angry soul to every child and elder, innocent or blameworthy, to every Teacher
who happens across my path. Because I see your eyes looking back at me from even the most shadowed corners of every soul.
My heart, a willing sacrifice, each bloody piece given in memory of the raw unguessed potential hidden in each of us. Because you taught me what such potential really means. You taught me that true love is visceral, limitless, eternal, as constant as Change.
Balm for Grief, Sharp Edge of my Soul, and Raw with Potential are three pieces of poetic therapy inspired by our grandson, Zakary. This piece was written August 5, 2009 in memory of my first grandchild, who left us so suddenly on that date a year before during a tragic accident with a car. Death is always hardest on those left behind, perhaps especially so for those losing a young child… it is hard to forgive all that potential suddenly denied, all the wonderful moments taken from us before they are allowed fruition.
Zakary taught me many things… the importance of Honesty in all things… how to love with your whole being right up to the edge of Life… How to meet that great Transition with honor and acceptance. He is still teaching me… how to let go, and how to find the will to heal. He was a powerful gift in my life, and I try to love the World more because he was in it once, and may be again for all I know. Because one of the greatest things he showed me is that the Love we forge in Life goes with us, and can even continue to grow when separated by that Great Divide. I've shared this piece with some favorite family photos of us with Zak; my husband, our daughters, our son- his father, and myself.
An important part of my healing process is looking back over therapeutic writes, like this one, periodically to acknowledge how far I've come and to help keep me on track with my broader goals. It has been very important to me to share the stages of progress as I know grief is something each of us will experience in some way. Although this event will be carried in heart alongside my love for my grandson, each day makes it all a little easier to bear, allowing only the best of our memories to survive, and only our love to shine brighter. People like Zak don't happen nearly often enough, but maybe they would if we worked at making our world a better place for them.