Warning: therapy poetry.... it ain't pretty people. so, if you don't have the space for it today, skip this one. It needs somewhere to live other than my body. That's all. It doesn't need anything, just... air. lol
I sang your name to you
while you dreamed in your shell
I loved you with a wild joy
before either of us knew who you were
You seemed to see the world with a heart of compassion
You seemed to want to love it whole, happy, sane again
like I once did
as a foolish girl with dreams too large
I tried to shelter your heart close to mine as you grew
while letting you grow in your own directions
I tried to guard, to guide, to listen, to hear
Above all, believe you
when you took the time to speak to me
I saw when you began to hide and lie to me
It happens when we leave childhood behind
Life batters us, distracts, confuses
We all stumble, lose our way
Love is the source
All that heals, binds, lifts us up, inspires, makes worthy
We gather, share, to make ourselves not only happy but stronger
So my mother taught me
So Life has shown
So I believe
So I instructed
I didn't understand when you began lying to yourself
I didn't understand when you began treating yourself like a victim
I didn't understand when you stopped listening to me, hearing me, believing me
I didn't understand when you began to treat me more like a roommate than a parent
I damn sure don't understand when you went from "I would never do that to you, Mom"
to ripping my heart out so casually
leaving it on the floor like a forgotten toy
without a word, or a picture, or a scribble, not even one smile from your kids
while their presents pile up at graves that don't yet exist
to punish me for being your parent
to punish me for being the roof over your head and theirs
to punish me for being there to care for your children every day for years
diapers, baths, bedtime, meals, stories
just as I did every day for you
not just come and see Yaya so she can give you sweets
then go home after a visit
No
I fell asleep exhausted next to them
at the end of long days
Just like I did next to you and your siblings
a second parenthood I never earned nor complained of
How awful when Aunt So and So cut off precious Grandma
never did let her see those boys again
How evil when that sociopath denied me
the ability to see our first grandson
for an entire year
before she went and got him killed when he was just 3
Devastated the whole family
Why would anyone use their own child as a tool to cause pain,
or like a commodity with which to punish or reward?
Generational Trauma unleashed
Off the hook, connections unmade
"I would never do that to you, Mom"
I can still feel your arms around me as you said that
Liar
Nothing was enough to stop you
from dividing my heart
with your piercing river
Inexorable
Heedless
Consistently
From Texas to college and therapy
You rolled over all my concerns
with what you simply desired
as careless as a river in full flood
No thought to the damage you will leave in your wake
No empathy for the mourners left wailing along your banks
never to reclaim their loved ones for proper burial
Abandoned
by your piercing river
that should have brought love, healing, a renewal of wisdom
instead of this unnatural disaster
Because I insisted
Get Therapy or Get Out
for serious abusive issues
to a no job boyfriend
who just moved into the house
depressing the entire family
after two years of being forced to live in silence
against my will, better judgement, sanity, personal faith
all while I watch the campaign being run against me
the scapegoat
on the other side of your widening river
My heart dissolves slowly
like banks too soft to withstand yet another rain
While your sister
who refused to be a living light
laughs and tells me
You were not tactful enough, Mother
Enough
I could cry my own river
with how much I miss her
but I am thankful she
my Mom, the original Black Sheep,
isn't here to see any of this bullshit
We loved too much
She and I
We may be divided
You and I
Yet
I will not be drowned
by your silly trickle, my little love
For Love is the source
Not me
Not you
No matter how you flow
nor how we rage or grieve
You too will return to the source eventually
Though I may storm now
eventually my love will lie calm again
Reflecting that perfect light
back to you once again
Perhaps a sailboat or two
Moonlight
upon the ribbon of the river
dividing my heart
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